Need to help out bummed-out friends, spouses, bosses,
coworkers, neighbours, siblings, parents or plain old acquaintances? Try this.
1. Order Them The Thing They Love Without The Thing They
Hate
They adore martinis but not the olive. They’re mad for
olives but not the pimento. They long for flowers, but not baby’s breath. In
all these cases, when you show up — or send over — the thing that they usually
have to special order (or fix, by picking out the all-too-often-always-included
unwanted additions), you’re effectively making what some people might call a
little dream come true. (Other people, myself included, believe that there is
no such thing as a little dream. Dreams are all one size — larger than life.)
2. Origami Them A Heart
Yes, it’s so easy as to be considered cheap, but it’s
nonetheless effective. Also the fact that you spent three, 13 or 73 minutes
folding and refolding such an object for them proves, even if the rest of the
world blows, they still have somebody who’s willing to endure paper cuts to
service someone else’s happiness.
3. Pre-Pay Their Ham-And-Cheese
Nobody wants to pay for lunch. This is why everybody plans
to bring leftovers, but forgets to pack them and then silently yells at
themselves as they hand over six or seven or eight or 10 (ow!) dollars for a
sandwich that they could have made at home. On this day, however, you will have
snuck into the corporate canteen, or the sandwich truck in the parking lot, and
pre-paid for a ham-and-cheese, as well as shown the cashier a photo of your
coworker who was dumped by his fiancée, so that when he approaches, castigating
himself internally about how he can’t afford lunch since neither the wedding
venue nor the caterer will refund his deposit, he can enjoy the delight of the
cashier saying, “That’s taken care of, sir!” Variation: Slip the cashier two
extra bucks and have her say, “That’s taken care of, you handsome, smart,
sandwich-eating devil.”
4. Make Them A Coupon Book Of The Things Nobody Wants to
Hear
We all have things we want to express that do not help us.
Worse, while expressing them, we usually don’t want help from anybody else, either.
We want to scream with rage without having anybody commiserate. We want to talk
about how our parents’ divorce at 80 is all our fault and not have anybody
dispute this with facts, figures or clearer memories. Further, we want to do
all this without feeling guilty for boring and exhausting our listener (or for
wasting our own time and energy because even we know that all the ranting and
complaining does nothing to change the situation). So should your best friend
have to declare bankruptcy on her birthday, make her a homemade coupon book
that entitles her to redeem one shame-free whine fest, rage attack, long
baroque episode of self-loathing as well as two or three “it’s not fair”
wail-a-thons to you via the phone or in person. P.S.: Be sure to specify a
timeframe on each coupon. P.P.S.: The timeframe is 20 minutes (max).
5. Buy Them Wisdom From A Hedgehog
Some very, very dark times there is only one phrase that can
help: “Don’t give up.“ Perhaps you have already said this to the person in your
life who is underwater. I have said it to many, many people. In fact, I have
advocated for the use of a magnet that says it for me. But if you really want
to drive the message home to cousin Doreen who got transferred to Dubai, five
thousand miles away from her girlfriend, have a hedgehog say it — in a manner
of speaking. Bonus: It only costs five bucks.
6. Get Them To The Jean Machine
Machines can’t fix the world. But they can make it more
pleasant, despite the cat that ran away or the tax-audit letter that arrived.
Which is why you must take your down-and-out friend directly to the Me-ality
scanner at your local mall or department store and shove them inside. In 10
seconds, the device will scan their body and spit out the name of a jean that
will fit perfectly. How bad can life be once too-tight, too-baggy and
too-depressing denim has been banished from you life?
7. Dump Affection On Their Head
Make them a big bag of confetti using a hole punch and
colored construction paper. On each dot, write a quality of theirs that you
admire: Generosity. Humor. Very Straight Nose. Never Stinks. Smiles at Dogs. If
you need to write longer comments such as Always Shares French Fries or Can Be
Trusted With Secrets, you can just cut out bigger circles (trace a quarter) and
mix them in with others. Pour confetti into pillow case. Show up at their
house. Dump on their head. Wait for a minute, as they process what you are
doing, which eventually will cycle from surprised… to annoyed… to grateful.
8. Call Them Up And Say, “I Have Nothing Important To
Discuss, But I Just Wanted To Hear How You Are Doing.”
As with most things, it’s the simple but believable gestures
of support that work every time — no fireworks, jelly beans or cartwheels
needed.
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